My Love

Just about now, three years ago, the EMTs were arriving to pull my husband from his chair to begin their work of trying to save his life.

A little earlier I had called 911.  With help from the operator, I had fought hard, giving him CPR.  I had done everything I could to keep my Beloved breathing.  I can still remember how his lips felt under mine as I gave him my life's breath.  After the EMTs arrived, I called our children and they soon appeared.

Right about now, Alan would be in the ambulance on his way to the hospital.  We would be following close behind...

At the hospital, I knelt on the floor next to him as they worked to save his life.  Strangely I felt his presence above the bed and looked up to smile at him.  I kept whispering for him to keep fighting.  And he did.  He tried so hard to come back.

I remember standing to the side with our children.  We were all stunned, clinging to one another.  They worked on him a long time.  I still remember the feeling of disbelief when the doctor gently took me aside to say, "It doesn't look good."  I didn't know what that meant.

They could not keep him.  He kept going in and out.  There was a strange quiet in my soul.  Then I remember whispering if he needed to go, to not worry about me, that the children and I would be alright.  Then instantaneously, unbelievably he was gone.

I felt his loving spirit there with us, as we said our goodbyes.  Suddenly my friend Theresa was there.  She had been on her way to work when God told her to turn around and come to the hospital.  And then Judy was there.

I didn't realize it, but all those who had been working to save Alan's life stood in a circle around us as we said our last goodbyes.  Tears streamed down some of their faces.  As we got ready to leave, they stood quietly grouped in the hallway. 

With tears in his eyes, the head nurse gave me his card and said, "We see a lot of these--but it is rare that we see a family handle a moment like this with such love, respect and dignity.  If you need anything, please call me."

I don't remember how I got home.  Much of the weeks and months after his death are a blur in my mind.

How so much time has passed since Alan flew away--is a mystery to me.  I am healing little by little.  And I have had to work through a lot of things.

Today I honor the love, integrity, laughter, humor, talent and dear sweetness of my Beloved Husband.  I want to thank him for the greatest adventure of my life.  And for the love he gave to me and our children.  He was a wonderful husband and father. 

I will always miss him.